Saturday, December 31, 2011
Christmas eve this year was good and bad all put together... I felt the spirit and in a way renewed my determination to become a better person, and on the other hand a lot of things I try to not think about came out. To many it's no secret that I have not had the easiest life. I am not saying my life was horrible, because I have had a good life full of good memories, good friends, and good experiences. I am simply stating the fact that it was not easy. I went through a lot and I try not to think about the bad and try instead to focus on the good. This Christmas eve though it all came crashing down on me and eventually left me sobbing in my bed while my husband held me. Every thing bad that i had tried to stuff down and hide away in a little drawer flew out of it's hiding space and tried to demand my attention. I knew then that I can no longer keep hiding those feelings and memories. I had talked to my bishop a week earlier about starting counseling and after Christmas Eve I am eager to start. My goal in life is to be the best i can. I dream of being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, sister in law, friend, and an overall good person. I want my kids to see the struggles I went through in life and how I used them to strengthen me and get me to be where I want to be which is the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. I know to do that I need to work on the issues of my past and I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared. I am scared that I might have to confront those that hurt me, and that they will try to make me feel like my feelings and thoughts aren't valid. I know I have to talk to those who have hurt me and tell them how they hurt me and that it will be hard for me to say it and it will be hard for them to hear it, but I can't keep doing what I am doing. Everyday I suffer with feelings of inadequacy, I worry that my decisions will disappoint others, I worry that my in laws don't like me or don't see me as worthy, I worry Cody doesn't see me as beautiful because of the weight I have put on or if I am not wearing makeup, and I worry that I'm not loved. I hate it and being honest sometimes I hate myself but Christmas made me realize it's not ok. I am a daughter of God and he loves me. I am worth something, and I want to get to the point where I don't have to convince myself of that everyday. I have one last thought. If you feel like you have problems you need help with don't be afraid to get the help you need. Don't let pride or anger get in the way of you becoming the best you you can be. God loves you, show him you know that.