I have been having a really hard time this last week. I feel like bursting into tears every few minutes whenever my mind is not focused on doing something. I think it's just because I am coming to the realization that I am probably not going to have a baby this year maybe not even next year. Let me tell you why. Cody and I went to the temple one day specifically to find an answer to the question of whether or not we should start trying to have children. When we were first were married we felt like around three years was the time to start but as we approached three years we weren't so sure. So that brings us to the temple. We had fasted and prayed and I had felt like we should start trying already so I was really just waiting for Cody to receive that confirmation. As we sat in the celestial room Cody told me that he felt like it was ok if we started trying but that he felt like it would be a while before we got pregnant. I was so happy that he had said we could start trying I kind of skipped over the second half of his sentence. I had hoped we would be pregnant by christmas and already started planning how I would tell everyone ect. ect. Then this week I had thoughts... a while could mean by christmas but it could mean a year or two or longer as well. One night Cody and I were talking babies and I asked, "Do you think we will be pregnant by christmas don't think just answer." His response was an immediate, "No." I think that is when it hit me. It wasn't going to happen this year. My hopes were dashed and I couldn't help but to cry. P.S. I was at work all alone with no one to comfort me and Cody fell asleep shortly after that text that snapped me into reality. I was heartbroken. My dream is and has always been to be a mother, and I thought I would be by now. I know I am still young, I know there is still time but still I am not where I thought I would be at my age.
It's hard for me when I see other young women around me with children. They are all around too. I have friends that have kids, younger women in my ward, at work, and everywhere I go I feel like I see young mothers or young pregnant women. I know this is dumb but I feel like it's never going to be me. I can't picture myself pregnant, I feel like that is a gift other women get but like for some reason I don't deserve that precious gift. I want it so bad, but I feel like the reason I don't have it yet is because somehow I am undeserving of a family.
I have always had a hard time believing that I belong, that I am wanted, that I am good enough, and that I matter. It's no fault of my parents they nevet told me I didn't belong, that I wasn't wanted, that I wasn't good enough, or that I didn't matter. On the contrary my mother was always talking me up. Telling others how beautiful, smart, talented, and popular I was. I never felt that way though. I felt inferior, awkward, and like an outcast. That's pretty much how i have felt since elementary school. I hate it I try to push the feelings aside I have gone to counseling I feel like maybe if I knew why I felt that way I could get over it but I don't know what made me feel that way. Anyway I am getting off topic the point is I have never felt like I deserve get things to go perfect for me.
Maybe that is the problem I expect everything to be easy for me and to happen when I want it to happen. Maybe I am too busy pouting over the fact that things are not happening on my time that I don't even accept the possibility that simply it's just not time yet but that when it is it will be what I want, even if it didn't happen how or when i wanted it to. Maybe I am being selfish thinking that the world revolves around me and it's poor me when I don't get my way.... maybe. I know I need to just take a step back, be happy for those in my life who are having kids and accept that when it is my turn I will be ready and I will appreciate it all the more because it didn't happen easy. Maybe I am waiting so that I want my kids so much that when they are here I will be able to tell them that I waited for them for a long time. I can tell them how much Cody and I wanted them and love them. Maybe I need to suffer and be patient so that my kids can have those feelings that I never did. Again I am not saying my parents didn't want me but they didn't have to wait and so many other people in this world get pregnant on first try and maybe they didn't have to have the tests come up negative month after month and wonder when they will get this blessing that they have been praying for daily. Maybe I need that so I don't forget what my kids mean to me. Maybe they are just being saved for a special time in this world and it's not time yet... I don't know!
All I know while there are women out there in unwanted unplanned pregnancies asking themselves why me, I am sitting here asking myself why not me.