Monday, July 9, 2012


I have been having a really hard time this last week.  I feel like bursting into tears every few minutes whenever my mind is not focused on doing something.  I think it's just because I am coming to the realization that I am probably not going to have a baby this year maybe not even next year. Let me tell you why.  Cody and I went to the temple one day specifically to find an answer to the question of whether or not we should start trying to have children. When we were first were married we felt like around three years was the time to start but as we approached three years we weren't so sure. So that brings us to the temple.  We had fasted and prayed and I had felt like we should start trying already so I was really just waiting for Cody to receive that confirmation.  As we sat in the celestial room Cody told me that he felt like it was ok if we started trying but that he felt like it would be a while before we got pregnant. I was so happy that he had said we could start trying I kind of skipped over the second half of his sentence.  I had hoped we would be pregnant by christmas and already started planning how I would tell everyone ect. ect. Then this week I had thoughts... a while could mean by christmas but it could mean a year or two or longer as well.  One night Cody and I were talking babies and I asked, "Do you think we will be pregnant by christmas don't think just answer." His response was an immediate, "No."  I think that is when it hit me. It wasn't going to happen this year.  My hopes were dashed and I couldn't help but to cry. P.S. I was at work all alone with no one to comfort me and Cody fell asleep shortly after that text that snapped me into reality.  I was heartbroken.  My dream is and has always been to be a mother, and I thought I would be by now.  I know I am still young, I know there is still time but still I am not where I thought I would be at my age. 

It's hard for me when I see other young women around me with children.  They are all around too.  I have friends that have kids, younger women in my ward, at work, and everywhere I go I feel like I see young mothers or young pregnant women.  I know this is dumb but I feel like it's never going to be me. I can't picture myself pregnant, I feel like that is a gift other women get but like for some reason I don't deserve that precious gift.  I want it so bad, but I feel like the reason I don't have it yet is because somehow I am undeserving of a family. 

I have always had a hard time believing that I belong, that I am wanted, that I am good enough, and that I matter.  It's no fault of my parents they nevet told me I didn't belong, that I wasn't wanted, that I wasn't good enough, or that I didn't matter.  On the contrary my mother was always talking me up. Telling others how beautiful, smart, talented, and popular I was. I never felt that way though.  I felt inferior, awkward, and like an outcast.  That's pretty much how i have felt since elementary school.  I hate it I try to push the feelings aside I have gone to counseling I feel like maybe if I knew why I felt that way I could get over it but I don't know what made me feel that way. Anyway I am getting off topic the point is I have never felt like I deserve get things to go perfect for me.

Maybe that is the problem I expect everything to be easy for me and to happen when I want it to happen. Maybe I am too busy pouting over the fact that things are not happening on my time that I don't even accept the possibility that simply it's just not time yet but that when it is it will be what I want, even if it didn't happen how or when i wanted it to. Maybe I am being selfish thinking that the world revolves around me and it's poor me when I don't get my way.... maybe.  I know I need to just take a step back, be happy for those in my life who are having kids and accept that when it is my turn I will be ready and I will appreciate it all the more because it didn't happen easy.  Maybe I am waiting so that I want my kids so much that when they are here I will be able to tell them that I waited for them for a long time. I can tell them how much Cody and I wanted them and love them.  Maybe I need to suffer and be patient so that my kids can have those feelings that I never did. Again I am not saying my parents didn't want me but they didn't have to wait and so many other people in this world get pregnant on first try and maybe they didn't have to have the tests come up negative month after month and wonder when they will get this blessing that they have been praying for daily. Maybe I need that so I don't forget what my kids mean to me. Maybe they are just being saved for a special time in this world and it's not time yet... I don't know!

All I know while there are women out there in unwanted unplanned pregnancies asking themselves why me, I am sitting here asking myself why not me.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Pipe Dreams!

So I have had the biggest desire lately to do photography! I think about it everyday, I dream about it, but i have no idea where it came from. One day I just boom woke up wanting to do photography and it's like an itch I want to scratch so bad!  I feel like I am scared to go after it though. I am worried that I will spend all this money on a camera and things and I will find out I am terrible at photography and my efforts would have been spent better somewhere else... but still what if I am great at it? I sit here at war with myself wondering if I should risk the money, wonder if it would bring what dance brought to my life, and wonder if I will regret it if I don't take the chance.  I want an outlet to express my feelings, I want to do something artistic, and I want to have something that is beautiful.  I try to ask myself if God planted this seed of desire in my heart because I should go for it or if I am just looking for something to do. I have always loved pictures.  I love looking at them and seeing utter joy on someones face or an innocent expression of a child. I love looking at love between a husband and wife, or even sorrow.  I could look at photos for hours and not get bored, especially the happy moments.  Is that enough though? Sometimes I wish that I could just look into the future and see if I would be any good if I decided to go for it! I guess that's is part of the beauty in life though... you never know what will happen tomorrow.  It's a good thing not knowing sometimes. That way you don't worry about the bad that will come into your life and you can be surprised by the good.  I think I will take this chance I will put myself out there and if I am not great I will work on it until I am.

I also think about dance a lot!  I miss it so much!  It's another unanswered question in my life as to whether or not I should get back into dance or not.  I have thought about trying to make a career out of it but I find myself doubting my talent and that makes me sad.  I want to feel like I can follow that dream and be what I once was... a great dancer.  Now I am not saying I was amazing because I wasn't but I put my heart and soul into dance.  Whatever I was feeling that day was put into my dancing and that's something I feel like i lost. I lost the passion and the beauty of putting my heart and soul into something... Maybe that is why I am thinking about photography so much? I know that my body isn't as great as it once was.  My hips often hurt and sometimes my knees so maybe I see photography as something to put my heart and soul into? I don't know but for now I will try to figure it all out. In the mean time any suggestions would be welcomed! I mean I probably should just abandon these silly dreams and become a teacher or something right?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Asking for help!

I am in some need here I am sick of feeling down on myself so I would put a question out there.... How do you raise your confidence?  How can I believe I am a beautiful daughter of God, that I am important, and that I can do anything I set my mind to?  I want to be the person that is positive and loves herself, I also want to be able to help others! I don't want to be so consumed with feeling bad about myself that I can't see beyond that so any ideas?  Also how can I learn to trust? Trust that people won't walk out on me, trust that people aren't always lying to me, i'm sick of feeling paranoid! So anyone? I'm asking for help!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Finding blessings in waiting

So Cody and I stopped trying for kids in October because we moved in with Cody's family and we didn't want to add to the chaos in that house!  Our decision was solidified when Cody quit his job and we didn't have insurance anymore.  I am now on my Dad's insurance but it doesn't cover pregnancy so once again I find myself trying to wait patiently for the right time to have kids.  My goal now is to find a job so that I will have insurance to cover pregnancy and then we can get on with building our eternal family but who knows when it will happen.  I have been struggling since I found out my friend was pregnant with questions like why her and not me.  Her life is less than stable right now and a baby will make her life harder, and I feel like mine is more stable and yet here we are no kids to be spoken of. Then it hit me today.... God knows the desires of our hearts.  He knows that I want to be this amazing mom, he knows that I want to have myself completely under control and steady, he knows I don't want to be overwhelmed to the point of being unable to handle things, and he knows I secretly know I am not ready.  I sometimes admit that to myself.  When I take an honest look at my life and my struggles I know I don't want to bring a baby into all of this yet.  I want to get some counseling, I want to feel more confident, and i want to have that feeling of belonging before I have to try to teach a child how to be confident, and before I try to make them understand they belong.  I was watching The Help yesterday.... I know I am behind!  As I was watching it something really hit me.  The maid is holding her bosses little girl and she is telling her that she is kind, smart, and important, and then she has the little girl repeat it back.  I want to feel that way.  I want to know I am kind, smart, and important, and I definitely want my children to feel that way.  In that movie it also talks about how some of the mother's made their children feel like they weren't beautiful and that made me sad.  I know I don't feel like I am beautiful most of the time and to have someone else making you feel that way along with it feels horrible.  Wow I have gotten a little off subject haha.  My point it I feel blessed to have a Heavenly Father who knows my desires.  He knows what is important to me, and he knows I am passionate about being a good mother.  He also knows I am not quite there yet, but he knows I am trying my hardest to get there.  I want to be the best mother I can be, having an eternal family is my passion.  I will work so hard to get there.  Someday I will be there standing in the celestial kingdom with my family, I can see it now, and I will not stop working until I am there.