Saturday, December 31, 2011

Christmas Eve Cryfest?

Christmas eve this year was good and bad all put together... I felt the spirit and in a way renewed my determination to become a better person, and on the other hand a lot of things I try to not think about came out.  To many it's no secret that I have not had the easiest life.  I am not saying my life was horrible, because I have had a good life full of good memories, good friends, and good experiences.  I am simply stating the fact that it was not easy.  I went through a lot and I try not to think about the bad and try instead to focus on the good. This Christmas eve though it all came crashing down on me and eventually left me sobbing in my bed while my husband held me. Every thing bad that i had tried to stuff down and hide away in a little drawer flew out of it's hiding space and tried to demand my attention.  I knew then that I can no longer keep hiding those feelings and memories.  I had talked to my bishop a week earlier about starting counseling and after Christmas Eve I am eager to start.  My goal in life is to be the best i can.  I dream of being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, sister in law, friend, and an overall good person. I want my kids to see the struggles I went through in life and how I used them to strengthen me and get me to be where I want to be which is the highest degree of the celestial kingdom.  I know to do that I need to work on the issues of my past and I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared.  I am scared that I might have to confront those that hurt me, and that they will try to make me feel like my feelings and thoughts aren't valid.  I know I have to talk to those who have hurt me and tell them how they hurt me and that it will be hard for me to say it and it will be hard for them to hear it, but I can't keep doing what I am doing.  Everyday I suffer with feelings of inadequacy, I worry that my decisions will disappoint others, I worry that my in laws don't like me or don't see me as worthy, I worry Cody doesn't see me as beautiful because of the weight I have put on or if I am not wearing makeup, and I worry that I'm not loved.  I hate it and being honest sometimes I hate myself but Christmas made me realize it's not ok.  I am a daughter of God and he loves me.  I am worth something, and I want to get to the point where I don't have to convince myself of that everyday. I have one last thought. If you feel like you have problems you need help with don't be afraid to get the help you need. Don't let pride or anger get in the way of you becoming the best you you can be.  God loves you, show him you know that.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

How did I get from the point of hating relief society to loving it?

Ok so i was one of those young women who did not want to go to Relief Society.  I actually stayed in Young Womens until I was 19 haha.  I used to dread going there with all the adults talking about kids, temple marriage, and all those grownup things that I didn't need to worry about yet.  Since I have gotten married and have been in Relief Society though I love it.  If I miss all of my other meetings I will still make it to Relief Society, and when the lessons are being taught I find them so helpful and strenghtening.  I feel like i grow each time i go to Relief Society, and now this once upon a time nuisance has become a huge blessing! There are in fact only two things I dislike about Relief Society and that is 1) I sit all alone, and 2) Super Saturdays are apparently no more :(  Can i just say that number two makes me more sad than number one? I think that Super Saturdays were the best!  I am by no means a homemaker, and I don't consider myself a very creative person but on those Saturdays I felt like i was able to get into that mode and make all these creative things for my home. I hold out hope and I have faith though that my Heavenly Father will see my need and either bring back Super Saturdays to my ward or that he will provide another way for me to learn homemaking skills!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Life and Marriage

I have been thinking a lot lately about marriage.  I work in a retirement home and I get to be around quite a few couples who have made it through life together and have been in each others lives for 50+ years.  I have seen how these couples treat eachother, how they take care of each other, and most importantly how they love each other.  I have heard their pet names, seen quiet signs of affection, and I have seen many relationships that I would love to model my marriage after.  When I see all of these couples around me it makes me so happy. I love to watch as a husband brings breakfast in bed up to his wife, or see a wife fret over her husbands health.  It gives me hope that I will be there someday.  I want to have a relationship that has stood the test of time and more importantly one that is ready to face eternity.  I have watched as spouses of my residents have passed and I have seen them grieve and silently accept their loss, and I have also heard them talk of reuniting with their sweetheart and the joy it will bring.  I love marriage and in a world where marriage is losing my merrit I want to say that I believe in marriage and it is definitely a relationship worth fighting for.  I love my husband more than words can express and I am so happy that we have a marriage that will last not only for time but for eternity!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Who I want to be.

Lately I have found myself thinking about the person I want to be... There are so many things that I want to do and want to be but sometimes I find I have a hard time trying to figure out how to get to that person I want to be. I want to be strong. I want to be able to handle the stresses of life and not feel overwhelmed but everytime I think I am doing that something happens that usually gets me so worked up that not only that stress but all the other stresses that I tried to put out of my mind hit me like a ton of bricks and I crumple. My husband says he doesn't like giving me bad news because he knows that it will upset me, and I don't want that. I want my husband to feel like he can share the burdens of life with me and I won't crumple under the weight of them and leave him to bear the burden alone. Second of all I want to be kind always. You know those people who you never hear a mean word out of their mouth, and nothing seems to bother them? I want to be like that I want to be christ like and to forgive instantly and to have kinds words for everyone, but I still find myself getting frustrated with someone and saying harsh words against them. For like a week I did really well if I thought a mean word I word stop myself and repent and say one nice thing about that persone but then that bad habit came back and I thought mean things once again. I guess what I need to do is repent daily and if I have a bad day where I do think or say unkind things I need to make my goal to not do that the next day or something.  I also want to be beautiful.  Now you might be thinking I mean physically but that's not what I am talking about. I want to have a beautiful soul, I want others to think I am beautiful not because of my face, my haircut, my makeup, but because of my deeds, my faith, and my service. I think in general I just want to be a better person.  I want to be someone that God will look at and say, "Now that is someone who is trying her best to make it back to me." As I get older I realize that is the goal, to be someone God will be proud of and not someone the world will be proud of. Beauty doesn't matter if it is only skin deep, that beauty fades. Success does not matter if you are not willing so serve those less fortunate. Above all Life doesn't not matter if you don't make your life worth living. Partying, Flings, Drugs, Alcohol, none of that makes life worth living. Love, Faith, Family, God, and Friendship is what makes life worth living, Are we willing to make our lives worth living? I sure want to try. I want to be someone who loves life and someone who is truly happy in their own skin.

Monday, September 26, 2011

General Women's Conference 2011

       Ok so the General Women's Conference was awesome this weekend.  My favorite talk was the one by President Uchdorf.  It was entitled forget me not.  He talked about the beauty of the forget me nots and how they are often overlooked because they are so small.  He talked about how the forget me not has 5 petals and that each petal can be a reminder to us of things we should forget.
       The 1st petal is forget not to be patient with yourself.  I think this is an important thing for us to forget not because I know I am not very patient with myself.  The fact is we are human and we will make mistakes and we aren't perfect.  We need to be more patient with ourselves and look for our little steps of progress instead of focusing on all the things we do wrong.
       The 2nd petal is forget not the difference between good sacrifices and foolish sacrifices.  So to me this means sacrificing your time for to do charity for others.  That is a good sacrifice :) This is one I need to do better. 
       The 3rd petal is forget not to be happy now.  I love this one because I felt like he was talking to me.  I feel like sometimes I find reasons not to be happy and instead I need to find reasons to be happy and there are a lot more reasons to be happy than there are not to be happy.  He used the analogy of the movie Willey Wonka and the chocolate factory.  He talked about how chocolate was something that brought happiness and when the golden tickets were put in those chocolate bars the chocolate lost all of its joy.  People weren't happy with just chocolate anymore now they could only be happy if they found one of the golden tickets inside.  Isn't it sad that so many people can't just be happy with just chocolate? Why do we need that golden ticket? We should be thankful and happy with what we have instead of searching for a golden ticket.
       The 4th petal is forget not the why of the gospel. We have a list of what we need to do in the gospel and how but we need to remember the why.  Why are we doing this? Why do we believe? We need to remind ourselves why every single day!
       The 5th petal is forget not that he loves you.  This one is so important.  I think we always know Heavenly Father loves us but I think sometimes we forget.  I know that sometimes it is really hard for me because I feel like I am alone or I don't have friends or that I am not receiving the blessings I want but I need to remember he loves me. He knows my life plan better than I do and he knows what I need better than I do so I need to trust that and remember he loves me and he will take care of me.
       I loved this talk and I loved conference!  It is always so nice to hear the leaders of our church and to hear the messages they have received inspiration that we need to hear.  I can't wait until next week so we can receive more guidance on the things we need to work on.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Hard to keep in.

Ok so it's been a while but I haven't had much time to blog.  I just finished my internship for school and wow it was tiring.  I barely had time to worry about anything else but thank goodness it is done and I graduated!  So now my mind turns to other things.  Getting a new job, putting Cody through the police academy, more schooling for myself, and.... kids.  For about 5 months now Cody and I have not been preventing kids from coming and so far nothing so I guess it's not time yet but I wish it was.  I know our lives are a bit hectic right now, and I know having kids will be the hardest jobs we will ever take on but yet I still can't wait.  I love kids and the fact that I am in an eternal marriage with an amazing man just makes me want to bring more craziness and love into our family.  We originally wanted to keep our "trying" secret because we have felt the harsh judgement from family and friends on our other decisions and we didn't want to hear all the, "You really should put that off for five years or so you are young," comments that we know we would get.  Now... It slipped out haha.  First I slipped with my mom I didn't mean to tell her honestly but it happened.  Then some friends found out.  Then Cody's mom.... and now I am leaking it in my blog.  I just am tired of trying to hide it.  I am tired of feeling so frustrated that it's not happening yet and then not feeling like I can tell anyone about my frustrations because they don't know I am trying haha.  So now whoever reads this knows.  Which I can't help to think at most times is no one still but oh well.  I feel like writing it or typing it down is a release and that is what I need.  I am trying so hard to be patient and to live on the Lord's time and not mine but it is so hard when I feel like there are pregnant people all around me and babies and people talking about how much they love being mothers... It makes it hard.  I am trying though and that's all I can say I am trying to wait patiently hopefully that pays off soon. :)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Raising the bar!

This past wednesday I was sitting in my career development class and my teacher was talking about raising the bar.  He talked about what employers want and how you get to be indesposable and I was interested.  I thought to myself about how I could raise the bar at my current job. I work in an environment where the people I serve and the people I work with can be difficult and I am kind of a complainer.  Don't get me wrong I am a very hard worker and I always try to do my best and be the kind of worker that I would want if I were the employer but I complain and I don't always have a positive attitude towards others so I have decdided to be more positive.  There is one person at my work who I have a very hard time with and I decided that I was going to be completely positive and try to like her and be positive about working with her I was about half way through the day and I was doing really well.  I had been positive with this person all day and I was being pleasant and I was feeling good then something happened.  Let's just say I felt like they over stepped a boundary with me and so I immediately went from being positive to negative just as fast as you could say hi.  After my positivity broke down I immediately felt horrible.  I had made a goal and I couldn't even be positive for one day!  I felt bad for getting upset and disappointed in myself for not raising the bar and rising above it. I did realize however that I wanted to change and that even though I had slipped I could try again and renew my goal so that is what I did.  I shook the negativity and again tried to be positive with them.  I hope that I can do better this next time and even though I might mess up again I will keep trying. Practice makes perfect. 

Going from that point I need to be more positive with myself so I have to ask.... any tips?  I find myself feeling bad about my looks or physical aspects especially so if you have any tips hit me up with them.  I don't want to be insecure and negative when looking at myself in the mirror I want to be able to get up in the morning and say no I am not a perfect person but I am the perfect me and I am beautiful.  So.... HELP! :)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sorry if anyone cares!

Ok so I don't know if anyone cared that I wasn't writing but if you did sorry!  My life got super crazy!  I was hit with a lot of stress and school stuff, and I just couldn't find time to write!  I am happy to report though that things are going well now and that my stress level is a lot lower than it was a week ago!  I am still trying to be myself and improve myself as well.  I had a good chance to do that this last week.

I won't say details but a girl I work with was going through a rough week too last week and so I decided to do something a little nice for her.  I hope this doesn't take away from it but I don't think it will.  So my plan was to not have anyone know that I had done this for her because I didn't need a thanks or recognition or anything, but they figured out it was me.  I was kinda bummed because I thought to myself now that they knew it was me it took away from the charity I was trying to give that person but then upon further thought I realized it didn't matter if they found out.  I did this act of charity for that person.  If I had done it for recognition I would have boasted of the act and let it be known that I was the one who did the charity for her but instead I didn't.  I tried to keep it quiet I even snuck into the room and made sure no one saw me but I know that my motive was known.  Later the girls said to me that they thought it was me because of the manner in which I performed the charity and I thought that was interesting.

You see the girls at my work are all extremely kind hearted but I know that they are not LDS.  The reason I thought to do this charity was because of conference.  I think it is amazing that because of a talk by a church leader I was reminded of charity and thought to do something for this girl.  I don't think I would have if I didn't have the church in my life and I don't mean that disrespectfully towards anyone of any faith I just mean for me personally it wouldn't have happened. 

I know I can be selfish, and I have moments where others aren't in my thoughts at all but because of the church I am reminded of others constantly and because of this I can see beyond myself and help others.  Recently I have been a little all about Bree and I am so glad conference reminded me that if I get lost in helping others I will be able to regain that caring attitude I started out with at work, and the nurturing aspect I want in my marriage and my life. 

I love the LDS church and I want everyone to know that I have a testimony in charity.  When you help others you can find joy, peace, and blessings that you would never have found otherwise.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Day 9 and 10 uh oh

Ok so day nine didn't work out haha I was going to go to a hotel and go swimming with my husband but we didn't end up going and instead we stayed home and had a surprise date night!  We watched Tangled and it was awesome!  Haha so swim suit thing didn't work out but no worries because I really am going swimming next friday so we will get that in just later.  Ok so even though I didn't go swimming I did challenge myself to do something!  I challenged myself to really listen to conference this weekend and so far so good!  I have really loved the talks so far they have talked a lot about families and spouses and charity and I really want to have all of those things, and to make sure I don't take them for granted and realize that even though they require a lot of work they can bring so much joy and fullness to my life. 

I always have a hard time with charity haha because I want to do it!  I just don't know how to.  I don't really know anyone from my ward and in fact don't really socialize too much outside of work but I need to and I want to.  I want to help people, and I don't want to be selfish.  There are so many people who are suffering out there and if I can make a difference in some of their lives then I want to do that.  So I think that is going to be a goal of mine... DO MORE CHARITY!!!!

Ok let's move on to my challenge for today.  This one is a hard one for me but I am excited!  Today I am going to post my previous weight and my current weight on facebook for all to see.  I am doing this because I used to not care if people knew how much I weighed and I want to get back to that so there ya go this one will be no fun for me but I am proud of how much weight I lost and I am not afraid to admit it needed to come off.  I am not overweight anymore and that is something to be proud of! 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day 7 and 8 my silly style and no makeup!

Ok I missed a day again! haha I am kinda failing but it's ok life is just crazy!  Day 7 I did no makeup and that one wasn't too bad!  I did have a zit that I wanted to cover up but I didn't and it was pretty easy after I forgot about that.  I think though this is something that has gotten easier for me as I have gotten older because my skin used to be kinda bad and I would usually just cover it up with make up and now that I am older my skin is better, and I can be ok without makeup in front of people. :)

Ok Day 8 which is today I chose to wear the accessories I love and this one was fun.  I wore my owl ring that I just got this past weekend and then I wore my big cool earrings haha.  I love accessories and I love them when they are different! 

I think that this 21 day challenge has really helped me so far.  I have been learning more about myself, and I think that I have been getting closer to my husband and the lord.  Today something happened that upset me and instead of letting it consume me and freaking out I thought about the situation in reverse, like if I had been the one that made someone else upset because of my actions and I prayed for strength and patience in the situation.  Then when I did deal with it I was calm and forgiving and understanding and I know that Heavenly Father helped me get there.  I also know that I was able to do this because my husband has always been understanding and comforting with me and he has helped me learn more about myself just as The Lord has.  I can't wait to keep learning about myself and trying things that I might not have done before because I was too worried about what people thought of me.  I know that I am a good person and that I am trying my hardest, my family knows that, and God knows that and that's what matters! :)

Stick with me cuz tomorrow I am supposed to go swimming haha

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ok so day6 is it? Oh and recap on day5!

Ok sorry to disappoint Annie but I did not have a microphone with me in the car and also I was super bummed cuz there were no good songs on the radio :( :(  But I still did it.  I found a song that was ok and I rocked it out and microphone (Pretend one) sang!  Then you know what happened?  A lady ran a red light and almost killed me....  Maybe it was a sign saying I should sing haha.  It was fun though and even though I was very mad at almost dying I shook it off and continued my solo dance party haha.  I will probably do it again someday although maybe next time it will be when Cody James is driving. :)  He would love that!

Ok so day 5 I decided to be honest all day long and I have to say nothing really came up where I would be unhonest.  So I guess I passed but this day was like the first day and I will keep working on being honest.  Oh but I did remember I did have a very honest conversation with Cody James today so I guess that counts.  Go me!  Can I just say I have no clue why I keep calling Cody that today but I like it! 

Anyway back to honesty.  It's not like I haven't been honest but I think today was more about being honest with myself and with Cody and I did.  I took what he had to say in our little talk today and told him my honest opinion even though his plan scares me I understand it and I have to say that I trust him.  That right there is a big deal.  I don't give out trust easily but he has won mine and I know he will always do everything possible to support me and treat me well so I trust him.  That folks is the honest truth. 

If I am honest with myself I would have to say that I am not sure I want to be a Medical Assistant, I am not sure what else I would want to do, and that's ok with me.  I will figure it out on the way and I will do it all with Cody :)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Day 5 :)

Ok so I am not even going to lie today was a pretty good monday!  I was thinking about it and even though we have to go back to school and work I like mondays.  I feel like it's a fresh start and after a good weekend I think you can have a really good monday like I did today. 

Today my challenge was to rock out in my car.  The reason I chose this as my challenge is because when I was unmarried and all and I was in the car with my mom I would seriously head bang.  Like I would just go crazy and then ask my mom to tell me what people's faces looked like when they saw me going crazy in the car next to them.  Then we would laugh because people would stare at me haha I am surprised I didn't cause crashes with my car dances! 

Now I know what you are thinking and no worries!   I don't plan on crazy dancing while driving, that would be irresponsible but I do plan on rocking out and singing like microphone and everything in the car on my way home which will be in about an hour.  (I am at school right now and yes I am blogging at school, I know, shame on me).  So since I haven't done it yet I will tell you about it all tomorrow.

Before I go I just want to say one thing.... I miss you friends and I am thinking it would be fun to get together when it gets a little warmer at like a park and play games and such like old times so let me know if you want to join!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day 3 and 4! Being me

Ok so I didn't forget that I was doing my blog challenge I just had a way busy day yesterday so today is when I was able to get to yesterday's blog!  So day three which was saturday I went shopping with a friend and then had a double date with my cousin Kara and her hubby Jesse.  My challenge for yesterday was to be myself and not to be all stiff and not fun.  :) I did it!  At least I think I did.  I tried to be myself and I had a blast.  I didn't feel like I was fake and I don't feel like I was someone else.  I did get some weird looks because I was myself but I was happy to get them because it meant that I was being my dorky self.  I jumped on tramps, I sucked at laser tag, I did arcade games, I mini golfed, and I had fun.  When shopping I even picked an owl ring out at the store instead of one that was less me.  I may not have received compliments on my looks like the girl I was with but I was me and if that's not good enough for other people then that's ok.  I am good enough for me and Cody and that's what matters. 

So far I have loved this challenge but I won't lie today was hard.  I have been having a hard time with my calling at church and today was just hard for me.  I was upset because of my calling and I am not sure exactly what my challenge is today.  I guess today that might just be how it went, I don't have a challenge for today and thinking it up now and faking it wouldn't be me so I will tell you flat out today was a bust. 

I did have to make two hard decisions today though.  The first was whether or not I would be the authority figure in my primary class, and I chose to be that.  Even though I did choose that though I feel like I also tried to bring some personality into my teaching and tried to make it more fun and not to lose my patience and I think I did really good with that.  My second hard decision today was whether or not I should ask to be released again.  I already have but it resulted in me staying where I was at which was really hard for me because I have struggled with enjoying this calling.  I work with kids all week and then to do it again on sunday is kind of hard.  I have felt at a loss of what to do so many times because I don't have the experience when it comes to disciplining and teaching kids the life lessons as well as the gospel principles that they need to be learning and I get frustrated.  When I get this way I don't even want to deal with work or my calling and I don't think it is fair to the children that they aren't getting my best at all times.  Anyway back to the decision well instead I decided to wait is out and pray.  I am putting my trust in the Lord and hopefully he will give me the patience and strength I need to do the calling or give me what I want which is to be released.  We will see what happens but as for now I am going to keep trying my best for my calling.

Well that's it today see ya tomorrow. Thanks for listening... If anyone is :)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Crazy Hair!

Day 2 Wow look at that hair!

Ok so yesterday my challenge to myself was no gossiping and it was a good day to do it.  There was some challenges that day and chances for me to gossip but I stood strong and I did it!  I am going to keep up with that one because I really don't want to get back into talking about others, so wish me luck!

Today I woke up with crazy hair!  It was seriously just about the amazing hairdo I have ever woken up to so I just had to take a picture!  And to get back to myself that picture is going to be posted!  Yup it's true.  Crazy hair, no makeup, and just woken up picture of myself on facebook for all to see, and you know what?  I love it!  It feels good to be getting back to myself and reminding myself that it doesn't matter if other people think I am a dork or that I do dumb things because I do.  I am a dork, I do weird things, and it's ok!  We all do things or think things that are dumb or dorky and so I say to you.... Why be embarrassed?  Why do I worry about looking like a dork?  That's the real me, and if I can't feel comfortable with myself who can?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Challenging myself

Ok Annie just so you know I have been thinking about calling you all week haha I forgot on friday and then when I remembered it was later and I didn't want to bother you since you said you had plans. haha

Next I have been thinking a lot about my last post and how I have been feeling and I decided something.  I don't think a lot of people have seen the real me.  When I hang out with people even if they are family I am worrying about if I am good enough for them, if they approve of my life decisions, if I look pretty enough to be sitting next to Cody, and whether or not the people I am with are noticing my tummy roll that I am self concious about.  I don't want to live like that.  I don't want to worry about what other people think, I want to be myself and I am hoping that that will solve my worrying about friends too.  I realized I get upset when certain people don't respond to my texts and well if they don't their not worth my tears, and my hurt feelings.  Life is too short to be worrying about people who aren't worrying about you.  There are people who care and I should spend time showing them I care about them back rather than spending all my emothions on certain friends who hurt me.

So here it is I am going to challenge myself to be me.  I am going to take 21 days and each day I will do one thing that I want to do and that is so me.  So let's start with today's challenge.

One thing I hate is gossip so today I will not gossip at all.  You might ask how that is being myself and I will tell you.  I don't like drama and I don't like the bad feeling that comes with talking about other people, and I have always tried to stay away from that.  The problem is I work with all girls and there is always drama going on, and lately I haven't been staying out of it and I am not proud of that!  So today I am focusing on that to get back to the old me.  I will continue working on it too, throughout the 21 days but this is the un-Bree-like thing I hate the most so I am doing away with it first.  So let's see how I do.  I will let you know tomorrow how I did today and what my challenge is for the next day.

I am hoping this can help me get back to myself and show everyone else out there the real me that so few of you know!  Thanks for the support of those who care, even those who don't know me ;)  the comments helped and made me want to do this.  Love you all!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Off my chest

I need to vent just a little.  First I want to say that I love my husband.  He is my best friend, we get along, he understands me, and we just fit perfectly.  In that part of my life I am the happiest girl on earth, and just thinking of him now makes me smile and feel this overwhelming indescribable love for him that I have never even been close to feeling with anyone else, and when I focus on him I am truly happy. 

Now we go to the venting which has to do with friends.  I don't really don't have any.  It's so bad that I feel like even my cousin doesn't want to come around that much and this fact kills me.  If I had to look at myself and answer questions honestly I would say I am a fun person.  I am silly, hyper, I love to laugh, I love people, I love to go out and do things, I love life, and I feel generally I am an interesting person.  The problem is this... That Bree... You know the amazing one... That's only me when I am with Cody.  That true me only comes out when I know there is no chance I will be laughed AT instead of WITH, when I know that person loves me, understands me, and most of all when I know I won't be judged. 

I used to be myself.  I feel like my senior year of Highschool I was pretty much myself, and I had friends.  I went out every weekend, and I was happy being myself.  I didn't mind dressing up like a freak and walking through the school, and I didn't mind people seeing me be myself, but things made me think.  First there was the whole fact that I was being made fun of behind my back by the cheerleaders, and yes I was a cheerleader, but a lot of the other cheerleaders made fun of me.  Then I moved away and met my husband and more friends dropped out of my life.  There are girls who I had in my wedding who I considered close friends who give me one word answers when I text them, and don't respond to my facebook comments, and who say they miss me and then when I ask them to hang out they avoid me. 

So I have to ask what is wrong with me?  Do people just deal with me until they can get rid of me?  Is there something about me that makes me unrelateable?  Am I boring? Uninteresting? Rude? 

The final question is why do I have to go through nights where I cry to my husband because I don't have friends and no one asks me to do things when everyone else seems to have at least one person who is there best friend, and who they can tell everything to and do everything with?  What's wring with me? 

Friday, February 25, 2011

I need something new!

I have been working at my job for almost 2 years now which in the grand scheme of things isn't that long, but I am so tired of it.  For those who don't know I work at a daycare.  You think it would be interesting because kids are so unpredictable and funny but suprisingly when you have 20 kids in one room all you can focus on is the noise level and the kids who are causing problems.  I love working with the kids one on one and in small groups but when I have so many kids I feel like none of them are getting the attention they need.  There is a girl I work with who works in the kitchen who is probably leaving very soon so the question is do I want to move into her position.  The pros are that I won't have to work with the large group of kids anymore, I won't have to spend HOT or COLD hours outside for recess, I will get that break from kids I wanted before I have my own child, and it will be new.  The cons are I will miss out on fieldtrips, I won't get my tan, I won't get those special moments with the kids that happen rarely, and I won't get to do the fun art and other things that tend to occupy the day. So if you care to help make the decision I would love that but if not maybe you listened to me vent.  On the up side this weekend I am going in to get my hair cut and dyed and I am hoping to come out looking just the way I want to!  Well speaking of work it is that time again where I must get off the computer, go pick up kids, and watch for three hours while they have fun and I ponder on what will better my llife!  Peace out!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Cody and me

I have to say I love being married.  At this point in my life I am happier than I have ever been!  I have lost 22 pounds and am working on losing 21 more.  People are telling my that is extreme but it isn't.  I may look thin but I am still overweight at this point and I have lost a lot of weight!  I do feel so much better about myself though.  I feel like I have accomplished something and that I can lose weight and feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I also am feeling so good about my marriage.  I love the life that Cody and I have.  We are closer than ever, and I feel so safe and stable which is so amazing.  I used to fight with Cody over small things, but because of him we have talked through problems, and the problems I have that have caused more problems.  I had some tuff things happen in my life but Cody has shown me that I can get past those, and become who I really want to be.  Like I said I am happy.  Even thougth most days I feel like I don't have any friends beyond Cody, and I pray everyday that someone will stay in my life, and they will be a true friend, I find myself happy at the end of the day.  Yes I am happy but I feel a little hole in my heart and it is about to get bigger as someone so important to me is about to leave me.  My only hope for that person is that they will find what they are looking for, and that they won't forget the friendship we have, and that they know I will always need them in my life!  So here I am Happy with that little hole.  I wish I could fill that hole!