Pipe Dreams!

So I have had the biggest desire lately to do photography! I think about it everyday, I dream about it, but i have no idea where it came from. One day I just boom woke up wanting to do photography and it's like an itch I want to scratch so bad!  I feel like I am scared to go after it though. I am worried that I will spend all this money on a camera and things and I will find out I am terrible at photography and my efforts would have been spent better somewhere else... but still what if I am great at it? I sit here at war with myself wondering if I should risk the money, wonder if it would bring what dance brought to my life, and wonder if I will regret it if I don't take the chance.  I want an outlet to express my feelings, I want to do something artistic, and I want to have something that is beautiful.  I try to ask myself if God planted this seed of desire in my heart because I should go for it or if I am just looking for something to do. I have always loved pictures.  I love looking at them and seeing utter joy on someones face or an innocent expression of a child. I love looking at love between a husband and wife, or even sorrow.  I could look at photos for hours and not get bored, especially the happy moments.  Is that enough though? Sometimes I wish that I could just look into the future and see if I would be any good if I decided to go for it! I guess that's is part of the beauty in life though... you never know what will happen tomorrow.  It's a good thing not knowing sometimes. That way you don't worry about the bad that will come into your life and you can be surprised by the good.  I think I will take this chance I will put myself out there and if I am not great I will work on it until I am.

I also think about dance a lot!  I miss it so much!  It's another unanswered question in my life as to whether or not I should get back into dance or not.  I have thought about trying to make a career out of it but I find myself doubting my talent and that makes me sad.  I want to feel like I can follow that dream and be what I once was... a great dancer.  Now I am not saying I was amazing because I wasn't but I put my heart and soul into dance.  Whatever I was feeling that day was put into my dancing and that's something I feel like i lost. I lost the passion and the beauty of putting my heart and soul into something... Maybe that is why I am thinking about photography so much? I know that my body isn't as great as it once was.  My hips often hurt and sometimes my knees so maybe I see photography as something to put my heart and soul into? I don't know but for now I will try to figure it all out. In the mean time any suggestions would be welcomed! I mean I probably should just abandon these silly dreams and become a teacher or something right?

Asking for help!

I am in some need here I am sick of feeling down on myself so I would put a question out there.... How do you raise your confidence?  How can I believe I am a beautiful daughter of God, that I am important, and that I can do anything I set my mind to?  I want to be the person that is positive and loves herself, I also want to be able to help others! I don't want to be so consumed with feeling bad about myself that I can't see beyond that so any ideas?  Also how can I learn to trust? Trust that people won't walk out on me, trust that people aren't always lying to me, i'm sick of feeling paranoid! So anyone? I'm asking for help!

Finding blessings in waiting

So Cody and I stopped trying for kids in October because we moved in with Cody's family and we didn't want to add to the chaos in that house!  Our decision was solidified when Cody quit his job and we didn't have insurance anymore.  I am now on my Dad's insurance but it doesn't cover pregnancy so once again I find myself trying to wait patiently for the right time to have kids.  My goal now is to find a job so that I will have insurance to cover pregnancy and then we can get on with building our eternal family but who knows when it will happen.  I have been struggling since I found out my friend was pregnant with questions like why her and not me.  Her life is less than stable right now and a baby will make her life harder, and I feel like mine is more stable and yet here we are no kids to be spoken of. Then it hit me today.... God knows the desires of our hearts.  He knows that I want to be this amazing mom, he knows that I want to have myself completely under control and steady, he knows I don't want to be overwhelmed to the point of being unable to handle things, and he knows I secretly know I am not ready.  I sometimes admit that to myself.  When I take an honest look at my life and my struggles I know I don't want to bring a baby into all of this yet.  I want to get some counseling, I want to feel more confident, and i want to have that feeling of belonging before I have to try to teach a child how to be confident, and before I try to make them understand they belong.  I was watching The Help yesterday.... I know I am behind!  As I was watching it something really hit me.  The maid is holding her bosses little girl and she is telling her that she is kind, smart, and important, and then she has the little girl repeat it back.  I want to feel that way.  I want to know I am kind, smart, and important, and I definitely want my children to feel that way.  In that movie it also talks about how some of the mother's made their children feel like they weren't beautiful and that made me sad.  I know I don't feel like I am beautiful most of the time and to have someone else making you feel that way along with it feels horrible.  Wow I have gotten a little off subject haha.  My point it I feel blessed to have a Heavenly Father who knows my desires.  He knows what is important to me, and he knows I am passionate about being a good mother.  He also knows I am not quite there yet, but he knows I am trying my hardest to get there.  I want to be the best mother I can be, having an eternal family is my passion.  I will work so hard to get there.  Someday I will be there standing in the celestial kingdom with my family, I can see it now, and I will not stop working until I am there.

Christmas Eve Cryfest?

Christmas eve this year was good and bad all put together... I felt the spirit and in a way renewed my determination to become a better person, and on the other hand a lot of things I try to not think about came out.  To many it's no secret that I have not had the easiest life.  I am not saying my life was horrible, because I have had a good life full of good memories, good friends, and good experiences.  I am simply stating the fact that it was not easy.  I went through a lot and I try not to think about the bad and try instead to focus on the good. This Christmas eve though it all came crashing down on me and eventually left me sobbing in my bed while my husband held me. Every thing bad that i had tried to stuff down and hide away in a little drawer flew out of it's hiding space and tried to demand my attention.  I knew then that I can no longer keep hiding those feelings and memories.  I had talked to my bishop a week earlier about starting counseling and after Christmas Eve I am eager to start.  My goal in life is to be the best i can.  I dream of being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, sister in law, friend, and an overall good person. I want my kids to see the struggles I went through in life and how I used them to strengthen me and get me to be where I want to be which is the highest degree of the celestial kingdom.  I know to do that I need to work on the issues of my past and I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared.  I am scared that I might have to confront those that hurt me, and that they will try to make me feel like my feelings and thoughts aren't valid.  I know I have to talk to those who have hurt me and tell them how they hurt me and that it will be hard for me to say it and it will be hard for them to hear it, but I can't keep doing what I am doing.  Everyday I suffer with feelings of inadequacy, I worry that my decisions will disappoint others, I worry that my in laws don't like me or don't see me as worthy, I worry Cody doesn't see me as beautiful because of the weight I have put on or if I am not wearing makeup, and I worry that I'm not loved.  I hate it and being honest sometimes I hate myself but Christmas made me realize it's not ok.  I am a daughter of God and he loves me.  I am worth something, and I want to get to the point where I don't have to convince myself of that everyday. I have one last thought. If you feel like you have problems you need help with don't be afraid to get the help you need. Don't let pride or anger get in the way of you becoming the best you you can be.  God loves you, show him you know that.

How did I get from the point of hating relief society to loving it?

Ok so i was one of those young women who did not want to go to Relief Society.  I actually stayed in Young Womens until I was 19 haha.  I used to dread going there with all the adults talking about kids, temple marriage, and all those grownup things that I didn't need to worry about yet.  Since I have gotten married and have been in Relief Society though I love it.  If I miss all of my other meetings I will still make it to Relief Society, and when the lessons are being taught I find them so helpful and strenghtening.  I feel like i grow each time i go to Relief Society, and now this once upon a time nuisance has become a huge blessing! There are in fact only two things I dislike about Relief Society and that is 1) I sit all alone, and 2) Super Saturdays are apparently no more :(  Can i just say that number two makes me more sad than number one? I think that Super Saturdays were the best!  I am by no means a homemaker, and I don't consider myself a very creative person but on those Saturdays I felt like i was able to get into that mode and make all these creative things for my home. I hold out hope and I have faith though that my Heavenly Father will see my need and either bring back Super Saturdays to my ward or that he will provide another way for me to learn homemaking skills!

Life and Marriage

I have been thinking a lot lately about marriage.  I work in a retirement home and I get to be around quite a few couples who have made it through life together and have been in each others lives for 50+ years.  I have seen how these couples treat eachother, how they take care of each other, and most importantly how they love each other.  I have heard their pet names, seen quiet signs of affection, and I have seen many relationships that I would love to model my marriage after.  When I see all of these couples around me it makes me so happy. I love to watch as a husband brings breakfast in bed up to his wife, or see a wife fret over her husbands health.  It gives me hope that I will be there someday.  I want to have a relationship that has stood the test of time and more importantly one that is ready to face eternity.  I have watched as spouses of my residents have passed and I have seen them grieve and silently accept their loss, and I have also heard them talk of reuniting with their sweetheart and the joy it will bring.  I love marriage and in a world where marriage is losing my merrit I want to say that I believe in marriage and it is definitely a relationship worth fighting for.  I love my husband more than words can express and I am so happy that we have a marriage that will last not only for time but for eternity!

Who I want to be.

Lately I have found myself thinking about the person I want to be... There are so many things that I want to do and want to be but sometimes I find I have a hard time trying to figure out how to get to that person I want to be. I want to be strong. I want to be able to handle the stresses of life and not feel overwhelmed but everytime I think I am doing that something happens that usually gets me so worked up that not only that stress but all the other stresses that I tried to put out of my mind hit me like a ton of bricks and I crumple. My husband says he doesn't like giving me bad news because he knows that it will upset me, and I don't want that. I want my husband to feel like he can share the burdens of life with me and I won't crumple under the weight of them and leave him to bear the burden alone. Second of all I want to be kind always. You know those people who you never hear a mean word out of their mouth, and nothing seems to bother them? I want to be like that I want to be christ like and to forgive instantly and to have kinds words for everyone, but I still find myself getting frustrated with someone and saying harsh words against them. For like a week I did really well if I thought a mean word I word stop myself and repent and say one nice thing about that persone but then that bad habit came back and I thought mean things once again. I guess what I need to do is repent daily and if I have a bad day where I do think or say unkind things I need to make my goal to not do that the next day or something.  I also want to be beautiful.  Now you might be thinking I mean physically but that's not what I am talking about. I want to have a beautiful soul, I want others to think I am beautiful not because of my face, my haircut, my makeup, but because of my deeds, my faith, and my service. I think in general I just want to be a better person.  I want to be someone that God will look at and say, "Now that is someone who is trying her best to make it back to me." As I get older I realize that is the goal, to be someone God will be proud of and not someone the world will be proud of. Beauty doesn't matter if it is only skin deep, that beauty fades. Success does not matter if you are not willing so serve those less fortunate. Above all Life doesn't not matter if you don't make your life worth living. Partying, Flings, Drugs, Alcohol, none of that makes life worth living. Love, Faith, Family, God, and Friendship is what makes life worth living, Are we willing to make our lives worth living? I sure want to try. I want to be someone who loves life and someone who is truly happy in their own skin.